Day 32 of 366

Day 32:  February 1, 2012

Sorry, I don't have any good images today.  It was kinda of a crazy day.  But I do have a good walk down memory lane to make up for it. 

Cutting it close to get a photo from today.

Today, Parker was sitting by me when I was working at the computer. I opened my photo folder and there are some miscellaneous pictures not in their correct sub folders. Anyways, Parker pointed at a picture of my dad, and he asked who it was. I was stunned in disbelief. We talk about Grandpa Larry close to a daily if not for sure a weekly bases. I tell them stories, Parker talks about his memories, and we laugh at the silly little "Larryisms" that fit a situation at hand.

 Up until that moment, I was confident that I was doing a good job trying to keep Parker's memories alive. And, maybe I have. Parker was 3 Years, 2 Months, & 16 Days old when my dad died. Up until today I assumed they were his memories. I can't remember a thing from being that age, so why would he be different. It hit me like a brick, that he is remembering MY memories. He is remembering the stories that we have told over the years and not the actual memories themselves. I am more determined than ever to make sure ALL my children have these stories. These stories and a few photos is all they will ever have of their Grandpa.

 Parker grew up being Grandpa's little buddy. When I was pregnant, I knew my dad would love my child, but I never could have dreamed what a wonderful Grandfather he would be to him. Anyone who knew my dad knows he had more than his fair share of faults. He wasn't perfect by any measure out there, but he was at this best when he was a Grandpa. From the time Parker was born, they became inseparable. When Grandpa Larry got home from long haul trucking, our house was his first stop.  Which, for a while when Parker was an infant, was at his house.  He would keep Parker any chance he could get.  Parker even had the ability to get Grandpa to change his nightly extracurricular activities downtown.  My father had become a grandfather.

 Over the 3 short years, they became the best of friends.  When Parker was little, anytime he seen a red semi he would go crazy.  I remember one time Rob, Parker, and I were on our way to see Rob’s family.  I can’t remember if it was in Montana or Wyoming, but we were headed west.  My dad was head east on his way home.  We met on the Interstate somewhere around Ogallala. (They have a huge aquifer called the Ogallala Aquifer there….my plug just for you DON!!  J)
It was dark and he was flashing his all his lights and honking his horn driving down the interstate.  No one ever said my dad was normal.  Later, he told me he had to explain to the other drivers around that he just met his daughter driving down the road.  That was my dad.

 He was a man that yelled at me for standing too close to a running microwave when I was in my twenties.  He was a man who almost lost it when I slipped and cut my leg pretty good trying to climb into the back of our van to get something for Parker.  I will never forget his face when I came into the house with blood dripping down my leg.  You would have thought I cut my leg off with how bad he freaked out.  But, that was my dad, and if anyone was on the over protective list next to Parker it was me, his not so little girl anymore.

 It seems that a lot of memories have faded for me over the years.  It usually takes some thinking to bring them back.  I wish I knew then to remember the little things.  I wish I had realized how important they would be.  But, the memories from the point I found out my dad had cancer and on are ingrained in my memories.   I remember every detail for spending countless nights in a hotel or in a hospital room.  I remember watching the Fox News channel ALL DAY LONG for many weeks.  (I still can’t turn on that channel without thinking of him.)  I remember getting my dad a new fleece blanket for Father’s Day because he had forgotten his favorite blanket at home and we were in Lincoln for treatment.  I remember Parker got sick and threw up all over me as we were staying in a hotel while Dad was in the hospital.  I remember Parker getting real use to playing on the hospital floor with his Thomas the Train.  I remember Parker crawling up onto the bed to cuddle with Grandpa.  I remember Parker being the only person that could get Dad to eat once we got him home on Hospice.  I remember Parker singing to Grandpa once he got so bad that he rarely woke up.  I remember Parker keeping watch as I put a needle into Grandpa’s stomach many times a day making sure I wasn’t hurting him.  I remember Parker snuggling down on the floor next to Grandpa’s bed to sleep since we were all pretty much living there.  I remember how hard my dad fought to live.  I remember how hard my dad fought to live for Parker and my future children.  I remember how much my dad loved Parker.  I remember how much my dad loved ME.

 I remember the night I had to sit my 3 year old down and explain that Grandpa was really sick and that he was going to die and go to Heaven.  My son acted like any 3 year old would.  He listened but had no questions.  Why would he?  He had no idea what I was talking about.  Little did he know in 24 hours he would understand all too well.

 That next day, there was something in me that knew he was going to go.  I sent Parker to spend the night with my mom.  He had been right there through everything so far, but I refused to let him be a part of the chaos that would come with Grandpa actually dying.  So before he left, we said goodbye to Grandpa and kissed his cheek.  I remember lying on the couch around midnight in the living room next to Dad’s bed.  Rob was in the chair sleeping.  My phone alarm was set to go off at 2 am for his next shot.  I didn’t even hear my alarm go off.  Rob got up and gave the shot to Dad so we had 4 hours before the next one.  Around 3 am I shot up.  I KNEW without a doubt that my dad was going and NOW.  Before I even went to him, I woke Rob and had him get everyone else.  I will be forever grateful that I was there.  I was holding his hand.  I was whispering that I loved him.  My dad was surrounded by people that loved him and that he loved back when he took his last breath.

 That morning my mom brought Parker back.  They had already removed the hospital bed and medical supplies from the house.  In all the chaos, I simply forgot that my son had NO idea what had happened.  I soon heard him yelling from the living room. He wanted to know where Grandpa Larry was and wanted to know now. 

 With the rest of this story (okay maybe not the rest, because I think I may be writing a small novel tonight) I want Parker to know just how much he amazed me.  He took to news of his Grandpa dying with a maturing and understanding WAY beyond his years.  And later, as we sat in the truck outside the funeral home, I realized I hadn’t prepared him for seeing his Grandpa’s body.  He understood when I told him that Grandpa’s soul was in Heaven.  He understood when I told him Grandpa’s body was still here but that what made Grandpa Grandpa was in Heaven watching over us.  My son was a strength to us all.  And at his Grandpa's funeral, he crawled up on my lap, help my face in his hands, and told me not to be sad. Grandpa Larry was in Heaven.  He understood and even repeated to an unsuspecting preschool classmate.  Thankfully, this child had also experienced his Grandpa’s loss.  They were in a car with his friend’s mom.  She later told me they were like to adults in the back discussing their Grandpa’s in Heaven. 

 Okay I will stop here with this story for tonight since it is 3 am, and my short novel might turn into a long one if I don't.  I will tell Adelyn’s Grandpa Larry story some other time.  But, I am going to continue to do everything I can to make sure my children know who their Grandpa was.  And that he loved each one of them, even the ones he never met.  I am going to continue the tradition Parker and I started on the first birthday of my dad’s after he was gone and we have done it every year since.  We take balloons to the cemetery.  We tie one set to his marker, and then we let the other set go to him in Heaven.  Even Adelyn gets excited about it.  I will continue to tell them stories.  I will continue to try and help Parker hold onto whatever he can remember.  After all, I am pretty sure it is as much for me as it is for them.  I miss my dad.  I miss him every single day!!!


Okay, I am so not a poet, but I wrote this just hours before my dad died and I thought I would add this.





Goodbyes
September 16, 2006


They are waiting for him patiently; they are waiting for him to come home.
They know his time is limited; they are waiting from him to come home.

 He has had a long tough road but the end is drawing near.
There are so many things to do and say before the end is here.

His children spend their nights on their knees praying for his soul.
They wished their tears could save him, but they know he is God’s to hold.

They say their “goodbyes”, their “I love you’s”, and much more.
Then know they must let him go and knock on that heavenly door.

But upon the glorious clouds of heaven, two young men sit and wait.
They wait with arms wide open to meet him at the golden gate.

They know he will be deeply missed from those of us he left behind.
His family and friends will mourn his death this they know can’t be undermined.

They know all too well how hard it is to leave the ones you love behind.
But the glorious light of God’s love is such a treasure to finally find.

They know the hearts of those that loved them all will heal in time.
And they know the many memories will live forever in our minds.

The time had come for Father and Sons to be reunited again.
And those of us who he left behind, our hearts are left to mend.

They are waiting for him patiently; they are waiting for him to come home.
They know his time has come to an end; they are there when he comes home