Day 17: January 17, 2013
My mom posted this on her Facebook status tonight. I hijacked it for my own. This is a subject that hits close to home for both of us! But I want to say that this is the truest portrayal of drugs I have ever read. It broke my heart!
Hello, my name is DRUGS
I destroy homes, tear families apart, take your children, and that's just the start. I'm more costly than diamonds, more costly than gold, the sorrow I bring is a sight to behold. and if you need me, remember I'm easily found, I live all around you, in schools and in town. I live with the rich, I live with the poor, I live down the street, and maybe next door. My power is awesome; try me you'll see, but if you do, you may NEVER break free. Just try me once and I might let you go, but try me twice, and I'll own your soul. When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie. You do what you have to just to get high. The crimes you'll commit, for my narcotic charms will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in your arms. You'll lie to your mother; you'll steal from your dad When you see their tears, you should feel sad. But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised, I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways. I take kids from parents, and parents from kids, I turn people from god, and separate friends. I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride, I'll be with you always, right by your side. You'll give up everything... your family, your home... your friends, your money, then you'll be alone. I'll take and take, till you have nothing more to give. When I'm finished with you you'll be lucky to live. If you try me be warned this is no game. If given the chance, I'll drive you insane. I'll ravish your body; I'll control your mind. I'll own you completely; your soul will be mine. The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed, the voices you'll hear from inside your head, the sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see; I want you to know, these are all gifts from me, But then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart, that you are mine, and we shall not part. You'll regret that you tried me, they always do, but you came to me, not I to you. You knew this would happen. Many times you were told, but you challenged my power, and chose to be bold. You could have said no, and just walked away, If you could live that day over, now what would you say? I'll be your master; you will be my slave, I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave. Now that you have met me , what will you do? Will you try me or not? Its all up to you. I can bring you more misery than words can tell. Come take my hand, I'll take you to hell!
Where do I start? My brother is a DRUG ADDICT!. As I am writing this, I am trying to decide if I should. What will my mother think? What about my brother? But this is our truth. I'm not going to point fingers or talk about poor choices. I am going to tell you how addiction has affected me.
This was my brother before drugs....
He was a brother, a son, an uncle, and a friend. He was a smart kid with a bright future. He was an excellent football player and golfer too. He was involved is so many different things. He was funny and could always brighten up your day. He had a sense of humor that was unmatched. He was a harder worker and never gave up on anything. He was a "popular" kid. He was always surrounded by friends. He was a lover. He was always willing to help someone in need. He was my little side-kick growing up. He was my friend.
Wow! I feel like I just wrote his
eulogy. And, in a way I guess I did. But, he is still alive. He is just an addict.
This is my brother......
He is currently in jail. This is NOT who my brother is. This is what DRUGS have made him. Drugs are a criminal, a thief, and a liar.
Preston is one of a kind. He is my little brother by 8 years. We use to have so much fun together. I took him snipe hunting, studied his spelling words on the way to school, taught him rap music, watched him grow up, watched him excell at sports, and watched become a young man. Those 8 years between us were perfect. Just the right age difference to become really good freinds. I will never forget our 3 a.m. talks on the front porch. We would talk about everything and anything, and we would laugh until we couldn't breathe.
When I had Parker he was the first on there to hold him. He become an Uncle. And he was really good at it. When Adelyn came around he was even better. Those two had a special bond. I don't know what it was, but Uncle P was absolutely in love with that little girl.
Preston came to live with us for his Junior and Senior year of High School. My house was ALWAYS full of teenagers. It was fun. I enjoyed having them all. They were a wonderful group of kids.
I'm not sure when the drug use really started. We started to see a shift in his attitude. He started coming home late. But to be honest, I think by the time we noticed it was already too late. We tried heart to hearts. We tried punishment. As an entire family, we tried interventions. We tried everything we could think of. By the time he graduated from High School, he was a Drug Addict and a stranger. I stood there and watched him destroy himself little by little until he was nothing but the drug. And, there was nothing any of us could do.
Drugs are something that I didn't understand. And, truthfully I still don't. I am not a drug addict, and I don't know if there is a way to complettely understand unless you are one. But I am a sister to a drug addict, and that is not an easy thing to be.
When this all started I was pissed. Why couldn't he just stop? Didn't he know he was messing up his life? Didn't be care about the rest of us? Why couldn't he see that we all loved him, and cared about him? Didn't he see what he was putting this family through? But I have learned that a drug addict is very self-centered. The only thing they care about is getting that next fix. We didn't matter to him. Heck, he didn't matter to him. The toughest part about that for me was watching our relationship disappear. He was no longer my little brother in the way that he was. He was no longer the Uncle I needed him to be to my children. The person I loved gave his life to drugs.
Next, came the guilt. In my head, I have come up with a million and one things I wish I would have done differently. Now, logically I know this is not my fault. This was a choice HE made. But, trying telling yourself that. This sweet little boy turned into an addict while living under my roof. I feel like I failed him in some way. I wasn't there enough, or paying enough attention to him. How could I miss all the signs? Still to this day 5 years later, I still feel at least a little responsible. And trust me I wish that would go away. But, it probably never will.
Then came acceptance in a weird messed up form. I eventually accepted the fact that this is the life he chose. I can't make him quit. We have tried countless time. We forced the rehab. They worked for a little while. And in that little while, I loved it. I had my brother back. But, it never lasted. It got to a point that I found myself waiting for a phone call he was dead. I'm sorry to say when he went to jail I was glad. I knew for the most part he was safer in there. I eventually had to set boundaries for my kids and myself. My children deserved to have an Uncle who was fun, loving, and loved to spent time with them. Not one who showed up at their birthdays high. I put up a wall, and a high one at that. Right or wrong that is what I chose to do. He wasn't allowed around my house, my kids, or myself unless he was sober. Try convincing yourself that is the right thing to do! It came a little easier to me than some in my family. I had children to protect. I didn't want my kids to know this drug addict. I wanted them to remember Uncle Preston. And honestly, I didn't want no part of a drug addict around my children. And Preston for the most part has respected that. I have never received a phone call from jail from him. Ever!
But now I think mostly I am in a grieving stage. I MISS my brother. I miss having him around. I miss him hanging out with my kids. This summer after his 3rd (I think) rehab, he was doing really well for awhile. He would stop and play with the kids. He took Thaxton on a ride in the tractor. He took Parker to spent the night with him. He laughed. He smiled. Gosh, how I miss his smile. I miss his witty sense of humor. I miss those bright eyes that have turned so dim and empty. I miss his hugs. I miss hearing "I love you Sis". I MISS MY LITTLE BROTHER!!! I would do anything in this world to have him back. And that is the hardest part of this all. I can't do anything! It is all on him.
Through the last 5 years we have all been through hell with my brother's drug addiction. But, despite that, I still have hope. I know he can get better. He will always be a drug addict, but I know he can become a recovering drug addict. I know the little brother that I love more than anything is in there somewhere. I have seen glimpses of him. I know some day he will find the strength and the courage to overcome this. I know I will never know his pain. I know I will never understand why he walked down this path. I know I will never fully grasp the hell he lives in on drugs. But, I will never give up on him completely. I pray to God to help him overcome this addiction, because I believe only God can save him from the powerful grip drugs has on him. Because in the end, DRUGS have taken him to hell and back!
